my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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