I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
