I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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