a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
