Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
