New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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