Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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