Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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