even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
