I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
