I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
