I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
