Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
