when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
