i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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