I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
