he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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