i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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