Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
