Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
