he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
