New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
