we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
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I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
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STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.