I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
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Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.