When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.