someone get that fucking seahorse.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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