There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk