last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
