That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
