im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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