i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
