This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
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Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
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If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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