he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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