Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
