You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
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