Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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