If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just had sex bonerless
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
