you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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