i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
