i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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