new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
