Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
soo... how was my night?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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