he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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