____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
