just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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