I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I cut my penus on the lid.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
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Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
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Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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