this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
