he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
this is an emotional support booty call
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
