I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
