im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
