you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
