Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
