I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
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