I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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