Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
im drinking this country out of the recession.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
