i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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