You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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