I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
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her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
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I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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