Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
