I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
