this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
